Needy

What do we need ?

I walked out of the store with stuff I didn't truly need. Half wondering how such things came to be so cheap. But not really wanting to know. Or already knowing and not wanting to face the guilt.

Walking up to my car, I noticed an old man, in his old car. He appeared to be scrutinizing the jeep. Envying ? Or perhaps wondering where he had gone wrong in his life to not be able to afford such a thing. Or maybe thinking of what he had done wrong in his life to not deserve such a vehicle. The thought hurt me. He looked sad. I felt sad. For if I was right, the old man did not realize that he didn't need a jeep. He probably lived a long and beautiful life. I profoundly hoped he had loved and been loved... and would soon realize that he never needed and never would need a fancy car.

Berlin, Germany 2013

I felt as if something had shifted inside and I really had to go home.

But I couldn't. I needed toothpaste. Didn't I ?

Either way, I still drove to the pharmacy. I was still thinking of the old man and what looked like envy in his eyes. Whilst waiting in line with, yet again, more items I probably didn't truly need, I overheard the woman in front of me asking about the lottery. And in this state, I paid for my goods. With a credit card I wish I didn't need. The kind cashier said I was eligible for a $10 reward. So I accepted to be rewarded for spending too much money and went home.

Home, I suddenly felt I had to get out of my made-in-China clothes. So I did. And I poured myself the drink my mind said I needed. 

And I tried to come up with a plan to get out of this obsessive, consumption cycle.