Feeling for the men out there - Part I

I've complained a bit (a lot) about the dating scene over the last couple years... but no matter how many bad dates I have been on, how many boring conversations I have sat through, I strongly feel it is far better to be a single woman in the dating world, than it is to be a single man. 

Amsterdam Flower Market

So many women wonder where have gentlemen gone? Yet, we get offended if a man insists on paying for a meal or holds the door opened for us. (Because we all know that when a man is holding the door for a lady, he is thinking: "I know you're too weak to open your own door, here let me get it for you" right?) Men must be so confused. To be a gentleman, sometimes but all the time. To be spontaneous, but not too much. To be manly, but in touch with his inner self. To have style, but not pay too much attention to his looks. To be toned, but not spend too much time at the gym. Seriously, I am glad I don't have to deal with all these dilemmas. As a woman, I get to say what I want, do what I want, wear what I want and well men have to be fine with it, otherwise... well otherwise they are quickly categorized as sexist... 

But we're sending all kinds of mixed signals to the poor men trying to please us. We find it weird if a man walks around to open the car door for us, yet we think it's the sweetest thing when we witness it in a movie scene. We think it's silly if a guy consciously walks on the street side of a sidewalk but we make a mental note if he doesn't. 

So I just want to say, to all of you lost and beautiful men out there, I understand how misunderstood you feel. I too hope that one day we can all simply be who we want to be, do what we wish to do, without playing games, without being judged. No rules, no code. Go ahead and pay for that coffee if you want, and if don't want to well don't! If she shares the same views, then you know she's worth your time. If she doesn't, you will find one who does.

And I, I shall continue to express my gratitude when a door is opened for me, recognizing it as an act of kindness, not of superiority. And if you don't hold the door opened, I shall not be offended, I just won't date you. 

*I can only speak for my own personal experience and would not dare generalizing this matter to everyone, every culture, every dating scene. 

Accepting the Unexplainable

Then my friend said: "Wow, he's you're soulmate! But you know, people don't always end up with their soulmate." 

She changed everything. Because until then I could not accept an ending that did not come straight out of a fairy tale. 

And actually, come to think of it, it seems that people rarely end up with their soulmate. 

As if soulmates' purpose was not to share a life, but rather to follow their own separate paths, in sync with each other. And sometimes doing so having only physically met once or a handful of times. 

Most of the time it seems we end up with a life partner, not a soulmate. A partner who can hopefully help make dreams come true, provide support when needed and share happiness... but perhaps simply in a different way than a soulmate would. 

I have yet to understand the reason for this. 

But this realization is the only explanation for the disappointing reality of two separate paths; Of two people living harmoniously without really being together. 

Whiteswan Lake Provincial Park, BC, Canada

Eternal Internal Battle

Lysefjord - Norway

How can one satisfy opposing forces? 

How can one find balance with such a dilemma?

To be carefree 

To run wild

To be a restless dreamer

To stay far from society's standards 

To create the rules to live by 

To keep own happiness as the only concern

But

To help change the world 

To actively inspire others 

To be the influential business woman once dreamt of 

To assist with the blossom of small hopes in this lost society

But 

To look the other way 

To go my own separate way

But

To challenge set ways 

To find a way to make a change

A City as a Teacher

So I made it. I moved to northern Alberta and survived (of course). Even though I knew I would grow and come out of this city a little bit stronger a person, I had no idea to what extent. 

I pushed the limits of being alone and of being comfortable with solitude. And even though I wasn't exactly completely alone and into the wild, I was alone in a strange city and learned to do even more on my own... whilst being perfectly happy to do so. Possibly because I felt in control. I was doing my own thing and no one had a say in it. 

But most importantly, and most surprisingly, this city taught me things that I know will be essential for the future I want to build for myself. 

I thought this place was nothing more than an oil city where everyone had the same goal: making money and making it in any possible way. It turns out that even if working for "evil" companies that are harmful to the environment and that go against most of my values, people here can be the nicest and kindest I've seen in most big cities. Not only is there an unbelievable respect for pedestrians, people are not afraid to look strangers in the eye and genuinely greet others on the street. Although this openness does not quite make up for the general greed present in this city, it surely cannot be overseen. 

I shall not forget that even people who don't share my values may share the important quality that is kindness.

I thought that as long as I didn't work for a company harmful to the environment which is directly linked to the whole oil/gas controversy, I would have a job that agrees with who I am. It turns out that even a "regular" office job may not be what I need. If my work and the success of the company that I work for depend on the population's over-consumerism, I don't want to be a part of it. If my income depends on creating needs as opposed to fulfilling needs for consumers, I want to step away. If my day to day consists of encouraging others to sell and buy more and more, I cannot accept it. When I go home at the end of the day, I aim to reduce my personal needs, limit my material belongings and explore more of the priceless things this life, this world, has to offer. 

I shall not forget to apply and consider my own personal values into my choice of professional environment.

I thought I would always resent this city, stay for a short period of time and leave debt free, and nothing more. Instead, I truly appreciate and am thankful for my time here, am leaving still with some debt, but feeling richer than ever before. Edmonton has been a great teacher.

I shall remember that even the life chapters we suspect to be insignificant can be life changing. 

I plan not to have a plan

A few months ago I was ready for a big move. I just wanted to go. But you can't just tell people you're leaving, for no reason, with no specific goal... They get confused, they don't understand, they question your decisions, your life choices, your motives... 

So I came up with a plan. It seemed so simple. Just a couple of easy steps and a new goal that I wanted to reach. That's what people do, they make plans and follow them. So it now made sense for me to leave. It didn't seem like I was "just going".  Once I had it all figured out, I set off and followed the first step of my big plan. Friends and family understood and wished me well. 

To me, it made complete sense to just leave, with a vague distant goal in mind and just a few belongings. But seeking approval, I made a plan and justified my big move. 

Of course, life threw a couple of its many surprises on my path and quickly, the big plan was ruined. So what's the point? Why don't people understand and agree that it's OK to just float on, not take things too seriously and enjoy the ride? Not worrying about the worst that could happen... 

Well, let it be proof that plans are pointless. And let me float on, hoping for the best!

Getting lost and finding its way back is half the fun!

To Wish Upon a Star

It is impossible to get what we want unless we actually know what it is that we want.

And to know what we want is not only about knowing what we do not want. 

To wish upon a star

To want something. Someone.

Truly. Passionately.

A home. A job. A partner.

To build a mental list. 

A written list.

The criteria to be met. 

The qualities that are essential.

It can be detailed, extensive.

As long as it's honest. 

People may judge.

People will judge.

They'll say it's unrealistic. 

And they will be right. 

Only if you let them be.

Here is to not settling for the "good enough" stuff. 

To being patient while discovering what we truly desire. 

And to simply believing.

Alone is Alone is not Lonely

Lévis, QC, Canada

To be alone. In an unknown city. Full of strangers. Not one familiar face. 

A new job. Unfamiliar tasks. So many unanswered questions.

Where will it lead me?

To come home alone. To an empty house. With so few personal  belongings, and yet everything I need.

To spend hours on end not speaking. Sharing silence with an old house's sounds.

To wake up with no plan. No meet-up with a friend, no date, no obligation. But so few opportunities, so little options. 

This is being alone. To successfully picture one's self on a map, surrounded by miles of emptiness. Far from anything familiar.

To stop. Reflect. Breathe with the old house. Contemplate my vast surroundings. Question my purpose here once more. And wonder about the choices I have made. 

Then shrug. Laugh out loud. And assume I must be crazy for taking things so lightly. 

The Ice Cream Bowl Episode

A different kind of story. A short story about a date. 

It's an old story now. Nothing fancy or out of the ordinary, just a movie.

Before it started, he got a nice big bowl of ice cream. And one spoon.
He offered to share.

I love, love ice cream. But I declined his offer.

To eat out of the same bowl?
To share the same spoon?

He mentioned that he had served extra so we could share
Awkward

I made an uneasy attempt, an uncomfortable effort.
But I wasn't convincing, nor was I sincere.

I shortly after told the story of what had happened.
Only to realize that he wasn't a weirdo. I was.

I had forgotten about sharing.
I had forgotten that someone who cares will want to share with me. 

The ice cream bowl episode became symbolic.
Of how far I was coming from.
Of how much I had to work on before being able to open up again. 

Oh how long ago it was. How far I have come. 

Burano, Italia - May 2013